The moment I tuned 30 I felt like something wasn't right in my life.
I thought my marriage was...fine (this song hit hard at the time).
These thoughts crept in slowly happening quietly in my mind.
Over coffee.
Over years.
☕ The First Time I Noticed It
Christmas Eve 2013, I was sitting in a small café in England.
Sunlight filtering in. Dark wooden tables. The kind of place you’d picture when you think, this is what England is suppose looks like.
My husband was sitting across from me.
And I remember thinking,
Why am I not happy being here with him?
Not because we were fighting.
But because something wasn’t there.
And I couldn’t ignore it any longer.
☕ The Life That Looked Right
For a long time, my life made sense from the outside.
married to my college sweetheart
living in San Diego
stable, predictable, safe
And I thought that was enough.
I thought if nothing was wrong, then everything must be right.
But I slowly realized that’s not how I wanted to live my life.
☕ The Second Moment
A few days later, we were in Paris.
I should have been ecstatic visiting my favorite city for the firs time.
Instead, I was crying over something small.
We couldn’t find a place to rest and have coffee after walking for miles that day.
And that sounds ridiculous but it wasn’t about the coffee.
It was about the feeling.
I wanted to sit down. Slow down. Be together in that moment.
And he didn’t.
Suddenly I realized,
I didn’t feel seen in the ways that mattered to me.
☕ The Truth I Had Been Avoiding
That’s when it started to click.
It wasn’t one big moment.
It was a series of small ones over the years that all said the same thing.
He wasn't truly seeing me.
So I hid inside myself inside tv, movies and music to find my happiness,
And the hardest truth was this,
Still nothing wrong enough to leave…but something was missing enough that I couldn’t stay.
February 2015, I let myself have the thought of leaving. March, I finally said it out loud to my best friend. And by April I moved out and was living with Uncle.
☕ Start Choosing Yourself
The biggest shift didn’t happen when I left.
It happened when I started therapy and asking myself:
What do I actually want?
What does love feel like to me?
Why am I working so hard to be heard?
All I knew for sure was love shouldn’t feel like something you have to pull out of someone.
☕ An Ending
There wasn’t a dramatic ending to my marriage.
Just a quiet realization,
I didn’t miss him when I was gone.
And I think, he didn’t really miss me either.
☕ What I Know Now
That moment didn’t end my life, though I thought it did at the time.
Magically,
It started.
Choosing yourself doesn’t always look strong in the moment.
Sometimes it looks like:
guilt
confusion
sadness
But underneath all of that…
is the path towards something better.
☕ If You’re In That Place Right Now
If your life looks right but doesn’t feel right.
Pay attention.
You don’t need a dramatic reason.
Sometimes a quiet thought is enough.
This isn’t it for me anymore.
Because something better is waiting...
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