Monday, January 18, 2021

#100cupsofcoffee // J3 ☕️

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating & self-discovery. 

My single journey began in 2015 when I decided to leave my husband & again when Ocean Eyes broke up with me in May 2020. It all feels like forever ago. The ghosts of a life in transition.

The days since have brought all the self-love. I'm proud of where I am, guided by therapy, and a newfound self-awareness, boundaries in place. May the odds be ever in my favor.

This is going to be a doozy so buckle in!!

11/1/2020 - J3 messaged me on Hinge. I didn’t 💯 love what he said so I let it lie. Plus, I was talking to Double Ghosted. We had our first and only date on 11/8. One at a time is more than enough.

11/11/2020 - J3 messages me again on Hinge. Double Ghoster is out, so I’m ready to move on. Right out of the gate, J3 asks me about Enneagram and Simon. Sold! Quickly we exchanged phone numbers and set up our first date. I appreciate the haste.

11/15/2020 - After talking with my therapist, I went into this date with 0 expectations. Ready to just have fun and get to know a new person. Having been on so many first dates since my divorce and hardly any seconds, I can honestly say that this was one of the most amazing first dates I’ve had! I connected with J3: his words and especially his energy. I really loved his energy! We extended our walk around the park to dinner. He kissed me in the car (physical touch ftw) and we snuggled throughout dinner. I was scared and amazed. We set up our next date for two days later.

11/17/2020 - I schedule it for after work because, one, so I would make myself leave at a decent hour and, two, this was one of my favorite restaurants in Denver and I wanted to share it with him. I was exhausted. I drank my hot water with lemon and leaned my head on the wall. I was tired but so happy to see him again. We ended the night in my car talking and kissing. He left with my time boundary in place. I left feeling enamored. 

11/21/2020 - I had to work Saturday, but he agreed to come over after and order dinner. Here’s where I let things pass through my boundaries. Why? Because he had been love-bombing me from day one.

Love-bombing is the practice of showering a person with excessive affection and attention to gain control or significantly influence their behavior. The attention might feel good, but the motive is all about manipulation.

When he left the following morning, his positive energy had disappeared. Confused, I let it go and decided to go on my favorite hike to clear my head.

11/23/2020 - I had reached out to him after he left and he didn’t answer right away. I reached a second time and he told me he thought he would never see me again.

Yeah, because you are not answering me!

We decided to have a phone conversation. He thought I wasn’t ready for a serious relationship and he was, though he didn’t want to be exclusive with me for this reason. I tried to hold my own, expressing my preference for exclusivity but understanding it was only a week in. At the moment it felt like an adult productive conversation.

11/24/2020 - He came over the following day and I let myself open up more to him. I found myself doing it and enjoying it because the way that HE made me feel in the moment. Protected and cared for.

11/28/2020 - Thanksgiving passed and I went down to my favorite little Colorado town Salida for a night away. We had planned to meet again when I got back. Saturday morning J3 reached out with plans and I was excited he was taking the initiative. I couldn’t wait to get home! We walked through the Christmas lights of Cherry Creek, hand in hand, chatting, and enjoying each other’s company. He spent the night again. His body a cuddly warm heater that I couldn’t get enough of. Le sigh.

12/4/2020 - I was nervous to see his house for the first time but I was pleasantly surprised. It was gorgeous, well kept, and as minimal as mine. We continued our holiday spirit with more Christmas lights and he made dinner reservations for us at a vegan restaurant. He opened the car door for me, he held my hand as we drove, and he paid for dinner. Never have I had someone open a car door for me. It was a sweet surprise! We get home and he makes us the most delicious margaritas. I insist we do a shot of tequila and he comes at me with card tricks! I am beyond charmed. I was excited to have things feel completely natural. He carries me to bed and I’m too drunk to realize if there are any sore feelings this time. We cuddle through the early morning and then make up for a night of missed passion. He’s leaving on a trip and I want to see him again before. He seems reluctant but agrees.

12/6/2020 - The reluctance is apparent the entire evening. We chat, he feeds me, we don’t drink, then we sit next to each other on the couch for a movie. Halfway through, he indicates cuddling. We have the best sex we’ll ever have on the couch. His mood positivity shifts and we continue to cuddle and watch tv until I leave. He doesn’t want me to stay, since he is leaving early. I expected as much and he says he’ll see me when he returns.

12/15/2020 - I ask him to hang out Friday, Saturday, or Sunday. He doesn't want to get together over the weekend because he is exhausted from his ski trip. I let the plans hang in the air and on Sunday afternoon he suggests Tuesday. Tuesday is perfect and I find myself ready to fall.

12/23/2020 - We are supposed to hang out and he cancels around 3 PM, the day of. I’m disappointed since it is the start of my long weekend and I’m not diggin’ the holiday season. I do my best to be understanding. I’ve been pushing myself hard all month at work and I am also feeling the burnout. 

12/27/2020 - Christmas morning, I open up my heart a bit more and write him a meaningful message. I invite him to do a road trip to the paint mines (1.5 hours away). He replies that he doesn’t want to “commit to a 2-hour road trip, just yet….”

I suggest coming over for the sunset, hot tub, and dinner instead. That, he can commit to.

1/4/2020 - NYE arrives and I find my night free. I asked him to hang out and he already has plans. Understandably so. He says he will come over Monday after I return from Moab to hear all about it. Monday arrives. He comes with a hug, kiss, and sushi. I love the ease, but something feels off in my body. Soon he’s telling me of his house-hunting adventures over the weekend. Looking at homes in NM, AZ and CO. Here is where I should have been impeccable with my words, but I wouldn’t read The Four Agreements until the following week and my last conscious leadership class is the following day, I'm off my self awareness game. I tell him I’m happy for him. I want to talk about what this means for our exclusivity. I can feel he doesn't want to broach the subject, so I don't. We kind of cuddle on the couch. It’s not as comfortable as last month. I try to get him to open up with New Year inspiring questions. I feel reluctance. We fool around. I’m not into it and he doesn't realize or seem to mind. We end up having great sex. Afterwards, he wants to keep going. I go along.

Time passes. Finally, I'm ready to end the intimacy. I say as such and his energy turns. Quickly he says, “well I guess I might as well leave then.” My head spins at his haste. At the door, our goodbye becomes overwhelmingly passionate. He walks out the door and doesn't look back. My head still spinning, confused, and a bit angry, I debate whether or not to text him. An hour later I give in. “It was good to see you! I had a wonderful night! Thank you for dinner & for coming over! I can come to you next time! Good night!💖”

The end. 👻

Lesson: I’m learning to not accept behavior I don’t deserve. 14 years, 5 years, 7 weeks. Progress.

Soundtrack: MakeDamnSure

PS 2 weeks later he texts me, too late.

Drink more cups here ☕️


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