Saturday, January 30, 2021

#100cupsofcoffee // dr. who 🍷

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating & self-discovery. 

My single journey began in 2015 when I decided to leave my husband & again when Ocean Eyes broke up with me in May 2020. It all feels like forever ago. The ghosts of a life in transition.

The days since have brought all the self-love. I'm proud of where I am, guided by therapy, and a newfound self-awareness, boundaries in place. May the odds be ever in my favor.

I’ve not wanted to write this cup for 6 months now. I didn’t think I would ever share it. But after watching the last episode of The Bachelorette where Katie shared her truth, I was inspired to share mine.

3 weeks after my last text from J3, I was still not over him. I jumped back on Coffee Meets Bagel anyway. I quickly matched with Dr. Who and he got flirty real fast. Sending topless photos, sexy texts the same day I matched with him. I was excited that we had an online “spark” and couldn’t wait to meet him in person. I already knew I wanted to have sex with him.

We quickly set up a date and decided to meet at my favorite wine bar. I’ve taken a lot of dates there. I feel safe there, it is an intimate environment and of course I love a glass of wine. For this date, I tell myself I’ll have one glass.

I can’t help but arrive early. I cut it as close as I can and arrived 5 minutes early. I text Dr. Who and he says he’s on his way. 20 minutes pass sitting alone. I seriously considering leaving. Future me definitely would have. But today’s me craves that physical connection.

He finally arrives and right away I'm asking myself where is the spark we developed via text? My one glass empties and I consider another. Time and words continue to flow and I reconsider a 2nd glass. That comes and goes and he asks me back to his place. I offer mine.

Back in my safe haven, I pour us another drink. I am at 3 if you are still counting. I’m not myself. 

I begin to fade in and out. We are on the couch. We are in my bed. He’s on top of me. I ask if he has a condom and he reaches. I fade out. When I open my eyes again, he’s getting ready to leave. He tells me that “he is scared by this situation.” With a large amount of alcohol in my system, I react without thinking. I yell at him saying that I feel used. He accelerates his exit. My front door slams shut.

The next morning, I feel like a bad person. Why did I act that way? I have a text from him, saying he left his jacket and hopes he can pick it up. I reply with an apology for my actions and say yes. 

He comes back that afternoon and we forgive each other for the night before. Then he has the audacity to suggest sex again, this time without a condom which makes me think that the night before there was some point before I asked that he wasn’t using one. I don't clarify that.

Still craving physical touch, I say no to sex, but we fool around in my bed and then nap together. This time when he leaves, I know I’m enabling toxic behavior within myself and block and delete his number. 

Lesson: Both J3 and Dr. Who in their own ways were unconcerned by consent. I don’t want to hold onto guilt for either of these situations. I don’t want to blame myself either. What I want to do is to learn, share and do better. 6 months later, I am. Consent is key and I will not go into another relationship without it.

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Drink more cups here ☕️


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