Saturday, October 17, 2015

Figuring Out My Place In Time And Space: 3 Strikes & I’m Out

Music. Photography. Writing. All the pieces that make me whole. All things that live deep in my soul. So it is no surprise that three men in these chosen professions are the ones that changed my heart the most these past six months.

I've been on the sending side of break up text messages more times than I can count in the last six months. But for the first time ever today, I was on the receiving end. No matter how short of a time you know a person it is tough, on both sides. 

I have to be honest with you and myself and say that I had an inkling it was coming. So it wasn't a huge of a shock. I didn't even want to cry. I just wanted to sit and not move for a very long time. For one day I'm allowing myself to feel melancholy. I'm going to shove a cookie in my face while I sit in the car and cry my eyes out. I'm going to go home and run my heart out to the saddest song on repeat. I’m going to drink a bottle of wine and use these words that I have in my heart to help heal it.

The Musician: One and a half months of self induced wallowing.
We are about to hit our one year friend-iversary and I am quite proud of this. The old me would have never thought it could happen. The new me is relaxed by his presence. 
The good. He knew what was right for us then even though I couldn't see it. I didn’t want to see it then. I can see it now and I'm thankful for his honesty and strength. He will always be a very special person in my life and I'm glad that I can still call him my friend.
The bad. I was addicted to him.
The ugly.

The Photographer: Four months until I created my own closure. 
He was the one I felt like I was my truest self with. Today of all days, one of his photos pop up on Instagram feed and even in this time where I was deeply hurt, he was able to make me laugh out loud.
The good. We had everything in common. We had all of the chemistry, we had everything I thought I ever wanted, but our priorities didn't sync up. It took me a long time to realize and be OK with that, even though he was upfront with me from the very beginning. Now I can see that he came into my life for a reason. Just not the reason I had grown to want. It was to give me the confidence to become the woman I knew I always wanted to be. I now have the confidence to create closure on the relationship that just drifted away.
The bad. I was addicted to him. 
The ugly. I still think about him twice each day, as I drive to and from work past his exit. More if he pops up on my socials. Because I had to make my own closure with him, it's hard to not think about what might have been, what could have been.

The Writer. Three weeks and one massive cry.
I had to force myself to start crying when his text message came through this afternoon. I was ready to begin to work towards something more with him. A thought I didn’t think wouldn’t come around so quickly for me. Instead in an instant I was shaken out of my romantic stupor. 
The good. I found the way I want to be cared for exists. 
The bad. I was addicted to the way he made me feel and I didn’t care that we lived on two different planes of existence.
The ugly. I’ve never wanted to be that crazy girl who made needless drama in these early relationships. I hate that stereotype. I hate the ease of a text message. Every time I find it difficult to hit send on these types of things, it is easier. I get it. But how much time is enough to pass that a person deserves more than a text message. How much intimacy is forged before a text becomes callous?  

Each man showed me that the feelings I want to feel exist in this universe and are waiting for me somewhere.

I ate that cookie and cried in my car. I drove home composed and in complete silence. I ran my heart out to a sad song on repeat. I arrived home refreshed, so much so I didn’t even want the wine, though I did sip it a bit because, wine! I didn’t even need the rest of the evening to feel sad. 

Tonight I let myself go to sleep pensive. Tomorrow I will wake up joyful. I'm going to have musical healing from my two favorite bands {in the same night!} surrounded by my favorite people. Tinder a distant memory, forever banished to the cloud. The rest of the year is all for me, and only me.

{I am forever Figuring Out My Place In Time And Space. Learn and grow with me by reading my other heart felt and often over sharing articles!}

Two songs I left on repeat while writing this. 

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syllykay . said...

I totally wish I could come up to LA, hearing your special band again and just being there for you. I feel for you Megan, you are experiencing so much that some of us have experienced in our late teens and 20s, when it was just as emotional but without the seemingly unemotionalness of social media. But girl, without this social media you would not have this wonderful support group of friends around you who love you and would do anything for you knowing what a special person you are! You've been so brave and honest about this experience you've been going through which I think has been very therapeutic for you, has helped you to accept who you are, what you want and that you won't settle. When you love yourself first, then love will find YOU! Just keep moving, keep dancing, keep dreaming!!! Love you!!

MeghanSara said...

"This, too, shall pass."

You're on your way to finding the joy in this experiences, short and finite they may be, which is all you can do. Must not think of them as time wasted, but time spent. They are part of the grand story arc of your life, and if your life was a television series with no conflict, it wouldn't last a season even on ABC. Sometimes drama is good. Best of luck to you always.

syllykay . said...

Ps. Love that song Drifting....

Megan Gotch said...

Meghan, yesterday I didn't think I could feel this good. I feel really good. Lots of ideas and inspiration are flowing. I feel uninhibited and truly free. I spent the morning writing goals for myself and building a schedule. I cannot wait to get started! Thank you for your kind words! xx

Megan Gotch said...

Thank you Syl! I have so many amazing friends and it is time to see them even more! I love what life has thrown at me. It has inspired me more than anything ever has. I cannot wait to continue this crazy journey. LOVE YOU! xx

Meghan Sullivan said...

You're a survivor Megan and so much stronger than you even know. I love ya and I'm proud of you. It takes a lot to admit this all to yourself, and even more to share with the world. But your solo vacations and more are doing very good things for you. One of these days we need to get together (and eat pie) and talk about the world and the various men in it and why we are deserving of all we want and need.

dePepi said...

Right in the Feels. This was well written, and very emotional. Thank you for sharing your experiences with us. Be strong, this too shall pass.

Megan Gotch said...

Thank you so much! It was emotional to a good way! I felt so great writing it. xx

Megan Gotch said...

YES PLEASE!!! Love you girl you are amazing! We got this! xx #allthepie

melificent said...

I'm loving the raw emotion of this post and the positivity you ended it with. There's a wide world out there for you, Megan, and it's going to be magical. <3

Megan Gotch said...

Meli, the fact that you are taking the time to encourage me when you JUST had your darling lil Luna is amazing. Thank you for being there for me. Those two sentences mean the world to me. I love you and Luna thank you for being my friend! xx

melificent said...

always girl <3 love you

Megan Gotch said...

UGH that song is everything!!! xx

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