2020 the year i wanted but didn't expect

Thinking back on how I started my year, today I am where I wanted to be when I got divorced 5 years ago. Feeling how I wanted to feel and happy and excited to be ever evolving. How did I get to this day in such a tumultuous year? Let’s see….

NYE 2019 held so much wonder and excitement. 2020 was going to be my year. I just knew it. And it was, but not in the way that I was thinking.

January began with our annual girls trip to Mexico. The first sign that this year was going to be different. ⅔ of us made it and I was deathly ill the entire time. But what a place to be ill. Mexico opened my eyes and I came home ready to embrace all of what 2020 had to offer, including starting personal therapy for the first time and simultaneously couples therapy.

February was tough. COVID was creeping in and couples therapy was not working. But personal therapy was. Valentine’s day was full of secrets. I bought myself a present to remind myself that I needed to love myself first above all.

March I had the best birthday ever with the best friends ever. They always make me feel loved and special. Through it all they are the constant loves of my life.

April’s lockdown was the most eye opening 4 weeks of my life. I realized what I could not accept in a partnership. And knew that the end was near. May 4th it came to realization.

May 9th I was in my new apartment. I knew it was the right path but it still felt incredibly painful. My entire life I searched for others to love me. I finally realized I need to start bringing the love to me and for me. Just me in this moment of realignment.

At the beginning of the summer I began Conscious Leadership, dove into the enneagram, worked to heal my co-dependency, traveled and explored the world around me and in me. Through travel + therapy and tunes I began to heal and love me for me.

#100cupsofcoffee and a season later, I was able to think about opening my heart again. Full of self love, compassion and a willingness to let go of timelines and tensions. To let my newer found strength be my guide.

And so I sit here on my 1st ever Christmas Eve alone, cinnamon rolls rising in the wings and I’m thankful that I can take the time to enjoy and reflect on my process and my progress through this year of change, growth and love.

I love me. My house. My space, energy. My friends. My career. 2021 watch out, I'm ready for you. 2020, I thank you.