Tuesday, October 6, 2020

100 more cups of coffee + 5 year anniversary

It has been 100 days since I last saw Ocean Eyes...

Since then I've began taking a conscious leadership course. It couldn't have began at a more perfect time. Ocean Eyes broke up with me on May 4th. I was deep in the muck and living below the line. Since then, with therapy, meditation and the enneagram, I've come to discover a new way of carrying myself and my thoughts. I began to think that now would be the perfect time to work on taking radical responsibility for my role in my most recent relationships. To see what I've learned and how much I've grown. 

Ex-Husband (just friends)

I've wrote a lot about my divorce process. 5 years later, I'm still learning from it. I left thinking I didn't want a best friend as a husband. Now I know that I'd love to have my husband be my best friend with the balance of my best girlfriends. No single person can be your everything. However, more than one person can mean everything to you.

Ocean Eyes (co-dependency defined)

If you've been here long enough, you've seen me go through my divorce and then a 4 1/2 year long relationship with Ocean Eyes. I let you see the best. Isn't that what the internet is all about? 

At the start, I let myself jump back into a relationship when I knew I shouldn't. I told myself I shouldn't. I still had Number One in the back of my head...even 6 months in. I ignored warning signs because I was being loved and cared for. I had my best friend and, now, I had a partner. Everything was fine throughout our relationship. It was never exactly what I had been looking for but it was comfortable and I wasn't alone. I did not stick to boundaries I set. I didn't truly understand what setting healthy boundaries even looked like. 

The day Ocean Eyes broke up with me, was (I didn't know it then, but I do now) the best thing that could have happened to me. Today, I sighed with relief knowing that I can set healthy boundaries and stick to them. My mental health is my top priority. 

Numéro un deuxième partie (my two year crush)

Not even a month after the last time I spoke to Ocean Eyes, I reached out to Numéro un deuxième partie. I met him two years prior at work. From the moment we met, a lighting bolt hit me. That buzzed through  me for the next two years. And he kept creeping closer.

Seeing him at work daily. 

His office moved next door to mine. 

A work trip to Las Vegas. 

I really couldn't escape him no matter how much I ignored him or my feelings.

So when I knew I was finally, finally, finally done with Ocean Eyes. I emailed Numéro un deuxième partie. 

We had an amazing first date. I was more than impressed.

We had our second date the following day.

On our third date, I knew I was in trouble. That thing that sparked two years ago ignited.

And just like that, three weeks later he disappeared. Just like Number One.

And just like Number One, I was desperate to keep the flame going. But, this time, instead of trying for a year, I stopped the cycle. This time it only took 3 weeks. 

Do I still think about that third date? Oh yes. 

Do I know that if someone wants to be in your life they will? Yes. 

I learned that I really needed another punch in the heart ASAP after my break up with Ocean Eyes. I knew I could get into another relationship quickly and easily. And now I understand that I needed to keep that boundary for myself, like I didn't before. And this time I did, unwillingly, but still learning. Now you're just somebody that I use to know.

Gandhi (boundaries defined)

Speaking of flexing boundaries, we get to end on a lovely note. I met Gandhi on Bumble. After Numéro un deuxième partie, I was serious about finding my person. I was searching and searching. Match, Coffee Meets Bagel, eHarmony then Bumble. I would chat with men and nothing ever felt right. I would go through profiles like resumes only choosing the best of the best. I'd open up the interview process, any yellow flags and I'd bounce. 

Gandhi stood out. We had great conversation. The follow up and length of his correspondences were impressive. He is very much into meditation and self awareness. Which is a journey I am just beginning for myself. We chatted all week and when the weekend came, he was on his way to Washington state for a meditation retreat. We continued to chat through that week and until he was about to come home. It was then that he told me he had been working towards something and it had come to fruition all while we were getting to know each other. He would be moving to Arizona at the end of October. He knew what I was searching for and wanted to give me all the information to make the best choice for me. 

Here it was. The test. Time to flex those boundary muscles. I really wanted to meet him. I felt like he could be a great match. But he's leaving. I can't start a relationship with someone who is leaving. I live in Denver and it is my home. I've built something amazing here. This would only take me towards heart break number three. 

So I said goodbye. And he was so very kind about it and we wished each other the best. 

The End.

I am so glad that at the very least, I now know that there are great people out there, who will respect you enough to accept that you know what is best for you. Boundaries work.

I took the enneagram test for a second time for my conscious leadership course and I came back as a 2. Originally I was a 3. I started reading about the 2 and immediately went below the line. I took a pause. Went back and am considering that this could be right. I'd love to live in a Gavin DeGraw song. If that doesn't make me a 2 I don't know what does. LOL 

The Helper (hero) I do that all the time. I'm trying to do that now. I've come to the conclusion I am a 2w3. I have a lot of both. And both make me me. The me I strive to be. Consciously.


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