An Open Letter To The Women I Was On My Wedding Day

You will open your eyes to a blinding headache. The sun is barely peaking through the drapes in your Hilton Garden Inn hotel room but you are too excited to care about the time or your pain. You roll over and see your two best girlfriends and giggle out loud because you are so excited and you wake them. You are there, with them and today you get to marry your best friend.

Best friend, someone who is embarrassed to kiss you in front of all of your family and friends, who will only dance with you twice the entire night, and you never dreamt of leaving until you finally couldn't take only being married to a best friend.

You're so blissful you overlook or don't yet mind, these things that matter so much to you. You will try for years to pull out these things out of him, you already have. Today, all you care about is your dream worthy dress, your family and friends surrounding you and the comfort and friendship you've found in this person you are about to say "I Do" to. You thought of leaving once before and backed out. Why? Because you were comfortable. And that is how you will remain until the day you leave. Comfortable.

In the days before smartphones, you are truly cut off from him until you walk down the aisle. No Instagram-ing, no secret Snapchats. Nothing. And you don't mind. You are too caught up in the whirlwind of hair and make-up. Manicures and pedicures. Your girls helping you into your dress huge princess. Your mom placing the veil atop your head. Photos and more photos.

And then it is time.

You won't remember the look on his face until you get your photographer hands you your wedding album. There is love there, in both of your eyes. But not the kind you dream about. The ceremony is too much of a blur and you are shaking with nerves and you don’t know why. You even share "the kiss" prematurely. Music swells and you walk back down the aisle together, never thinking this is the beginning of your end.

More photos. Then the dance. Your first dance as husband and wife. He went to a dance instructor for you, learned an entirely choreographed dance for you and dipped you picture perfectly at the end, sealing it with a kiss. That should have been enough. It was then.

You can't swallow a bite of dinner. It is all smiles, hugs and congratulations the entire reception. You dance the night away with your friends and family. Your new husband watches from the sidelines. You ask him not to shove cake in your face during the cake cutting ceremony. He does anyways and you shove it back in retaliation. You close with a mandatory kiss, his eyes are open.

The night comes to a close. You are happy. But not as happy as you will be in the future. A happiness that will over ride everything you’ve felt up until this day. He carries you over the threshold of your hotel room, straight to bed. You have your first night together as husband and wife. It’s a struggle. You will eventually figure out the bedroom. But it is never what you want or dream it could be. Not until you leave. Six years of nothing. Nine years of sporadic unpassionate love in and out of the bedroom. After fourteen years together it becomes too much. You leave. He never chases you.