Monday, December 27, 2021

#100cupsofcoffee // an indecent proposal📱

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating & self-discovery. 

My single journey began in 2015 when I decided to leave my husband & again when Ocean Eyes broke up with me in May 2020. It all feels like forever ago. The ghosts of a life in transition.

The days since have brought all the self-love. I'm proud of where I am, guided by therapy, and a newfound self-awareness, boundaries in place. May the odds be ever in my favor.

I woke up on a Wednesday morning, pay day! I grabbed my cup of coffee and sat down on the couch to pay my bills. Adulting complete, I turn to check Instagram. I have a message. An indecent proposal.

A man from my past slid into my DMs. The message was long and as I scanned it, I couldn't believe my eyes. He wanted to fly me out and put me up in a hotel so he could use me as his "hall pass." This had me shook at 6AM. For the next few days, my mind flew through every emotion imaginable.

Denial - Did this really happen? I want to read the messages again and again and simultaneously never again.

Anger - A part of me wants to be flattered. Instead, anger ensues. I am only being seen as valuable for body. In the past 2 years of being single, I've worked hard on myself. I want to be known as self-aware, passionate and enthusiastic for change. Looks fade, integrity won't.

Bargaining - Accept or no? I already know my answer but can't help but imagine the opposite. In the end I only see hurt there.

Depression - I had always thought he and his family were so beautiful, kind and loving. I had looked up to this marriage as to one that I wanted for myself. Obviously everything looks better from the outside and nothing is perfect. But a bubble burst for me, taking me deep into thoughts of will the relationship I want happen for me? And if it does, will it end up like this?

Acceptance - It took a week and a chat with my therapist to answer what I knew all along. I've worked hard to get where I am and I've always wanted more than this.

My answer was no and wished him the best.

Lesson: 💖 I know what I want out of life and I will find my person. Until then, I know my worth.💖

Soundtrack: Your So Vain

Drink more cups here ☕️


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