Friday, July 23, 2021

#100cupsofcoffee // wooly willy ☕️

100 Cups Of Coffee is my journey through divorce, dating & self-discovery. 
My single journey began in 2015 when I decided to leave my husband & again when Ocean Eyes broke up with me in May 2020. It all feels like forever ago. The ghosts of a life in transition.
The year 2020 brought all the self-love. I'm proud of where I am, guided by therapy, and a newfound self-awareness. Soon after leaving my husband, I was ready to find the love I felt I never received. I quickly fell into the Tinder trap. Today it’s the Bumble bubble. Will I find my person this time around? Boundaries in place. May the odds be ever in my favor.
Dating isn't easy. Being vulnerable over and over again isn't easy. But building up the mental strength always makes each experience mean something. Wooly Willy πŸ‘¨πŸ»‍🦲 helped put mine to the test.
WW's profile had amazing photos and made me laugh! He was so charming in fact, I skip right past the part where he says he wants children. Walking up to our first date, I set eyes on him from a block away. He's early, dressed perfectly and sooooooooo much cuter in person! 😍
We hug (ek his arms are strong #swoon) and walk into Thump coffee shop. Right away I want to impress him (says the girl who didn’t shave or wear makeup). That is never the case. I want someone to impress me! Throughout our date, I find as many ways as I can to touch him. We playfully banter back and forth. Even hypothetically moving ourselves into a haunted mansion overlooking Cheeseman Park. Complete with all the plants, our investment accounts and his five cars. I can feel myself looking at him adoringly. πŸ₯°
Two hours later, he asks to walk me home (I can never close out a good date). We discover we both live on the same street! At my door, I stand as close as I can. He knows I want him to kiss me, and he does. We immediately agreed to a second date. I pause all my dating apps. I’m already sold. ✅
When I share WW's profile with my besties, I see he wants children. Worry sets in. HRH, said that too and ended up not wanting them when I asked. I decided to put my anxiety aside and enjoy a fun Taco Thursday with WW and slip the kid question into the convo after our first marg. 
He lights up. I can feel the joy radiating from him as he speaks about being a father. I feel a sadness for me but can't help but continue to gaze adoringly at him. I expressed my truth of not wanting children. There is a moment of pause between us. An understanding, a sadness and a longing. We decided we enjoy seeing each other and put a pin in the subject.
Back at my place, we agree we are both looking for something serious, are not talking to anyone else and really want to have sex with each other. We do and it is wonderful. Still sold. πŸ₯°
He comes over the following night. More laughs, more things in common, more sex.
A week passes before we find time for our 4th date. Still laughing, swooning and finding all the things in common, my excitement grows as we deepen our connection. πŸ₯°
Connection aside, I'm trying to protect my heart. I feel the desire to re-address the children un-alignment on our 5th date. I dress up way too much for dinner at his place. We drank 2 bottles of champagne followed by a tequila shot. We laugh the night away as the sun begins to set. πŸŒ‡
Suddenly it's dark. I’m on his bed. πŸ€”
WW is asking if I am ok? I answer no. He pulls me up, gives me a glass of water and gets me into his comfy clothes. I remember saying it felt like we were the same size, though I cannot focus on what I’m wearing.
We move to sit on the balcony. There, I sip my water, feel the warm summer night on my skin and try to bring my brain into focus. Soon I hear his words float through the night, “this may not be the best time to have this conversation...kids." Is all I comprehend. I can't perceive any words that leave my mouth, if they even do. I can only hope that I expressed my truth in a self-aware way, as I had practiced with my friends earlier in the week.🀞🏻
WW wants to get me home safely. Immediately I feel my body refuse. I made it down from his third floor apartment and into the back seat of my car. I call Steph. She arrives 10 minutes later, lets me sob in her arms and helps me to bed. 
Megan’s Relationship Needs: Wooly Willy EditionπŸ‘¨πŸ»‍🦲
✅ Wants a serious relationship
✅  Loyal (in a way that he was fully transparent and cared about me as a person)
✅  Career goals + driven to succeed
✅  Financially secure
Best friend (we could have gotten there)
✅  Sex positive + consent focused
✅  Support me + cheer me on
✅  Confident
✅  Good communicator
✅  Takes the initiative
✅  Truthful
✅  Finds me approachable + inviting
✅  Always learning + self growth
✅  Felt safe
✅  Wants to spend time with me + make me a priority
✅  Funny
✅  Fitness goals + self motivation
NEW THING TO CLARIFY ASAP - Doesn’t want children
WW could have been my person. But he’s not and I feel closer than ever to meeting them. πŸ’–
Lesson: Ask for deal breakers up front and believe in them enough to walk away if not aligned.

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